Not a choice to be happy, but a choice born from grief and healing
“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” – Nora Ephron, writer.
Trust me, I’ve felt pity for myself. I was a victim of my illnesses for decades. I would and still do get defensive whenever anyone comes close to saying something along the lines of ‘but you must simply decide to…’.
Today, I have actually become a person who says that. Minus the ‘simply’ that is!
Not because I believe my younger self was wrong, but because I had to go through continuous stages of anger, denial and bargaining to finally get to reconstruction.
I will forever grieve the life I won’t live, but around that grief has grown something else: confidence.
I now have the confidence to know that alongside my limitations I can see the good in my life, I can find a new purpose and can chase new dreams.
And yes, it was a choice. Oh, how my younger self will glare at me for saying it. But I don’t mean a choice as in: ‘Today I choose to be happy!’ Oh f@ck no. That kind of toxic positivity can stay the heck away.
What I mean by choice is that I went through all these stages, for twenty years, and then saw: this can’t go on, this is no life, I have to make a change.
That realisation led to me choosing to look for more. A choice to seek light, meaning and a purpose amid my challenges.
The choice was not to decide to not let illness stop me. Illness stops me doing things all day long, to this day.
The choice was a cause & effect of the grieving journey. I finally came to the point where I was ready to choose differently for myself.
Be Gentle With Yourself
I hope you have reached that point too. But if you haven’t, I hope you will hold onto hope that one day things do get easier.
It’s horrible that we have to wade through a lot of crap to get there. But it will get easier. You will one day find that you want more.
Until that day comes, be gentle with your soul. Don’t be mad at yourself for feeling mad. It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of a life thwarted by chronic illness.
And one day you’ll say: I’m the heroine of my life, and alongside my challenges I decide to start acting like one!
Sandra Postma
Posted on 27 November on Substack
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