Fears and Their Impact

(Re)Turning to my work as a book coach

I had a realisation this weekend. I was hit by yet another anxiety attack bordering on panic, and I didn’t understand where it was coming from. Usually it has something to do with my hormones or symptoms from one of my many illnesses, but this time, I wasn’t sure where it was coming from. It felt different.

So I dug. I dug into my thoughts. I observed what was on my subconscious mind and finally – after half a day of anxiety and suffering – I realised what had been on my mind:

This Monday, I planned to start working again.

Before I explain the meaning of this and why it caused anxiety for me, you should know something about me. If you are new to my world, you might not know that I live with a handful of chronic illnesses that impact my daily life, among them ME/CFS and chronic migraines. I have been sick since I was a teenager and over the years have collected a set of incurable diseases – thankfully not terminal – that have shaped my life in a way I could never have imagined as a child.

I wish I meant that in a good way.

It has meant not being a journalist. This still hurts from time to time. But I did find a new calling: writing and helping others write, as a book coach.

However the past year that has been harder. Panic attacks emerging from unresolved trauma made me pause my book coaching business, and I could barely write at all. I worked hard to process the trauma and I am proud to say that I managed that quite well.

However, something else came in its place: my brain has taken the past year as proof that I am unable to work as a book coach.

Which leads me to this past weekend and my anxiety. As always, my anxiety and panic attacks are my brain raising the alarm over something I am often not consciously aware of. It makes it harder to control them, but finally I came to the Thing that it was trying to protect me from: working.

My brain:

Working = hard on my body

Working = stressful

Working = getting paid for services I have to perform

Working = possibly letting people down when I can’t

Working = scary because so much can go wrong! Physically, mentally and emotionally!

Even naming it causes my brain to fidget as I write this.

But I’m pushing through, because it’s important. Writing this down is conscious me telling my subconsciously functioning brain: “I am safe, I simply want to help people write again, and I promise I will start slowly, so you can see I can do it and adjust your warning perimeters accordingly.”

Then I take a deep breath, and I feel my nervous system calm a little.

This year, I will work as a book coach again. It’s rather exciting to say that out loud. The fear is there, but the desire is too.

Even though my nervous system gets scared, I will do my utmost to make it see it can happen, working as a book coach, safely and happily.

Want to know more about my work as a book coach? Check out this page!

Sandra Postma

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