I thought shrinking myself would help me fit in; Instead, it kept me small, lonely, and unwell
For a long time, silence felt safe.
Each time I had spoken as a teenager about my truth and it had been met by peers and the medical world with misunderstanding, judgment, or dismissal, something in me learned it was better for me to retreat into silence. I figured that if I stayed quiet enough, wallflower enough, maybe I’d finally feel I belonged in a world that seemed to dislike me. The real me was clearly never good enough, or rather too much, for many people.
But I found out the hard way that fitting in and belonging aren’t the same thing, and they’re not found in the same place.
Wanting to fit in asked me to erase myself; the desire to find belonging asked me to return to it.
Self-Destructive Silence
It took me years and years to see that safety gotten through silence is a destructive front: it keeps you small, and despite my earlier belief, it also keeps you even more lonely. Not to mention that not being able to be yourself also make you unwell.
When I finally began to be myself with other people and started to use my voice, really for the first time, the right people began to appear in my world, people who wanted to be my friend! A friend to the real me. Loud, passionate, caring, sensitive, scattered me!
So to find community, I had to do the one thing I’d been so afraid to do: tell my truth with my own voice.
It was a revelation.
If you have had similar experiences in life, I hope you embrace your whole self too and use your voice to meet the right people. However anyone in your past may have made you feel, you are uniquely amazing. It can be so scary to show the real you, but it is also so worth it.
Lastly, thank you for being here and for appreciating the real me!
Sandra Postma
Posted on 13 November 2025 on Substack
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